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Moving on... To the Reach  
05:27pm 01/11/2014
 
 
vanatina
Moved on to a new MUX. Gaming has kept my mind active. Getting better. Less depressed etc. Tonight.. running a event should be interesting. I haven't touched my art, read etc in months. And I'm starting to feel creative again.. I will be back soon. Just terrible money issues last few months and impending homelessness. We will get through it. All awesome things have darkened hallways. And I'm just the light to see it through! 
 
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City of Hope  
07:51pm 17/08/2014
 
 
vanatina
Well, I tried my first mush online. Liked it at first. Then found out about the sniping and self serving power gaming. See the staff that runs the game, play the game and make you re-roll if you win over their characters or alternate characters. Also they ban players that point this out so they can continue this power gaming on their own. So sadly, my fiancee and I stopped gaming. It's sad when this happens. There are gaming rules in the books for a reason. If you ask a player to continue to roll until you win in an outcome that's terrible. I can see why table top is a total disgrace now a days. Even laughable. Going to try to find a new game to play. I will miss the antics of my rockabilly troll. However, City of Hope not a game that welcomes people and should not be played. I may post on my entire experience later. 
mood: uncomfortableuncomfortable
 
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A bit of Knowledge  
02:34pm 07/07/2014
 
 
vanatina
Not a whole rant mind you. But, I realized today no matter how well my children behave no matter how tough on them I may be. Some people I had considered close friends will never accept them and I will have to let the friendship.. or whatever ship it was go. So I need to stop people other people ahead of my kids. They don't care what I do to keep a friendship. So there is no point in forcing it anymore. I have deleted 20 plus people from facebook this last week and it has been freeing. I don't need the people in my life that don't matter or care about me and mine anymore. They don't want me. So I don't want them. The ones that are stuck on you when you were 18 and not you and who you are now. Because I am a person of change and I won't stop and stagnate.

Goodbye to the Destructive people. 
 
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I'm not less than a woman  
01:40pm 04/07/2014
 
 
vanatina
I'm not less than a woman for having children. I'm not less than a woman for not having children. I am not less than a woman for not putting on makeup or heels. I'm not less than a woman if I try to change.

I'm not less than a woman

for being me.
for losing or gaining weight.
for wearing sweat pants in public.
for refusing to compete.
for wearing a revealing outfit.

if I can speak with intelligence.
for avoiding a fight.
for hanging on to true friendships, even when they hurt me, and I will not gain anything from them.
for not having enough shoes.
for not painting my nails.
if I opt for surgery.

for having messy hair.
for getting married
for staying single.
for having to use birth control.

I'm not less of a woman. I am not a girl. I am a woman. I am as equal to a man. If a man opens a door for me, it does not lower either of us. It means he has an interest in pursuing me. I am not less of a woman for staying home or going to work. I deserve equal pay, I deserve respect. I am not a fuck toy. I am a love maker, a peacekeeper. I am not less of a woman for knowing who I am or having lost my way.

I am never less than a woman for being me.

(Work in Progress)
 
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Cosplayers 2  
06:51pm 17/06/2014
 
 
vanatina
Recently, I had someone say "You still Cosplay? Isn't that immature? Cosplayers don't grow up, are immature are argumentative and will turn on you in a dime." I tried to explain how loving, different, and mature they are and will listen to all sides of a disagreement and see how both points are valid because we love the fandom. Apparently, this person was right. I'm leaving Cosplay the same reason I'm leaving the church. For being one sided, narrow minded. 
 
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Cosplayers  
08:16am 17/06/2014
 
 
vanatina
So recently, I have had this on my mind for a while and I ignored it. Since we should focus on world peace or conservation. However, this rant cannot be held back on this situation. Let's talk about Yaya Han for a second. Only reason I know this woman's name is due to the flimsy show on the Syfy channel. What do we know about this woman? Absolutely nothing, but cosplayers seemed to have put her on a pedestal to worship lately. I utterly find it sickening. Here is all we know. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Yaya_Han. No dates of her surgeries for breast augmentation, family history or even where she is from or what she stands for.

So, we have to base this on first hand accounts of meetings and the show Heroes of Cosplay.

Right off the bat, Yaya Han is clear that this show is edited to place her in a better light. She uses canned phrases as a beauty queen or a Miss America contestant would, so not to piss off the status quo.

Now let's look at this plus sized girl campaign that was recent.

http://www.swimsuitsforall.com/

Proving big girls can wear what we want. There shouldn't be fat or skinny shaming.

I Have a strong feeling about my body and it's how I was made and there is no right or wrong answer. Yaya Han has been quoted on that show saying, and I'm paraphrasing here. Big girls should wear only what there body allows. To further this Yaya Han has had numerous surgeries to fit the status quo, instead of embracing her natural body, to fit in with the male domineering society. To the point it is hurting her health. Numerous occasions I have seen her put her health at risk just to do cosplay. No Corset or boob job is worth killing yourself for. If someone has to CUT you out of your cosplay, there is a serious problem. Honestly, I feel bad she is not comfortable with her natural body she has to change it. This is not a message I want to send to my son or daughter. And if she did it for herself and no one else, fine. But any doctor worth his salt will tell you large breasts, even natural large breasts are bad for you. Right now, I have considered getting a reduction. However, at this point my breasts are not harming me or being life threatening. If they do, I will have them reduced. It would be the only responsible decision at that point.


My problem with Yaya Han is she sends the wrong message to make money. At first, it was to peddle her wares, until she realized she can make money cosplaying. At this point ordering things from her website is very limited. Moreover, while she judges cosplay competitions I have yet to see her have a plus sized person win, because for her only the "Image" is important. It hurts me as a person to see this. I remember when it was about the fandom, and back when I was a kid, they were a lot less elitist lording over people. It's ruined the fandom for me. To the point I have deeply considered quitting my love of lolita, steampunk and cosplay fashion.

And again, I feel bad. Someone somewhere must have told a young Yaya she was not good enough just the way she was. Be it man, women or child. This hurt her enough to change herself to fit what the world wanted, within her cosplay love. My problem with Yaya Han isn't truly Yaya Han, I cry for her and all women who make this heart breaking decision. She is just perpetuating what someone told her, when she "wasn't good enough" and is now ingrained in her.  I would have a greater respect for her now if she realized it's a new frontier and apologized. Telling people "I made a mistake, I changed myself from pressure, (from this person or that person) but now I realize I was wrong. And going forward I will not shame or ridicule my fellow cosplayers for what ever body type they have." But honestly, she will always see it as a competition. If this is how the fandom has become, I cannot be apart of it because it perpetuates poor body image and I can't have that for my children. I'm raising both to have a healthy self esteem and Yaya Han does not fit into that picture.
 
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Fathers  
08:03pm 16/06/2014
 
 
vanatina
I was really trying to avoid this one. But the after effect of father's day is hitting hard today. I found a picture of my cousin from her recent wedding with her dad walking her down the aisle.  This is my uncle, my dad's older brother. A moment passes and I understand I will not have this moment. Ever. In my lifetime. I suppose I am blessed my Dad and I are trying to mend the bridges. But honestly? There is no trust at this point. Now I won't go through historic mucky muck of my father and I relationship. However, there is no sadness. A woman walks down the aisle with her father, to be "given away" to another man, almost in trade. Honestly? I will be walking down the aisle by myself. Now, I toyed with the idea of my eldest brother's doing this honor. However, thinking it over I believe I have lived life of my own accord and I am not owned by any man. And I feel I am laying down my warrior veil to be with this man, to equally look after each other. Having my father give me away, would give to much credence to his role in my life. He does not own me. And my father's love of control this would give him too much power over the situation. So, I? I will be walking alone down the aisle. The fierce warrioress I am.

My father was not originally invited. However, he is lucky to even be there. Because the people who mind, don't matter & the people who matter don't mind.

But I will meet my husband at an end of a long walk and we will combine our kingdoms. With no fear of others no judgment. Hell I might even invite George RR Martin.


Moreover, My husband best father to our kids. I can't wait to tie our lives legally together. 
 
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Let's Talk Feminism.  
09:38am 02/06/2014
 
 
vanatina
So today I came upon this video via Facebook:



http://www.upworthy.com/51-pretty-shocking-facts-that-make-things-harder-for-every-woman-you-have-ever-met?g=2&c=hpstream


Now it got my gears turning. And I thought of my father, almost immediately. My first thought was what is the biggest obstacle for feminism? Well, women of course. And this example comes from living with my father. My father with his backwards first generation american knowledge of how to have a relationship drove my mother away. Now, how is it that women are the obstacle? Well it does stem from men, but us women fall for it almost every time. My father when he started dating women when my mother left when I was  about the age of 9. Would pit me against his girlfriends. How? You ask. Easy. First when he meets them he would tell this lady he was courting how "I hated every woman that ever walked into his life." This puts it into their head before hand that I am an opposition female that needs to be taken control of to gain my father. Honestly? I just wanted my dad to be happy. So every time I met one of his new girlfriends who were 20 or at least 10 years older than me, they were start aggressive. This made me feel that it was my fault that me just existing caused these arguments. In turn made me feel that any female I met would ALWAYS hate me no matter what I did. And he would put me against them, especially when he was ready to break up with them. He would tell me that this woman was "Dangerous" Or a "Sexual Deviant" or just plain "Crazy." Especially if I started liking them. He would purposely put fear into me about other women, that they would be a danger to my father or my brother. At the same time he would go to his lady friend or girlfriend and say "Vanatina doesn't like you and I can't be with a woman that doesn't get along with my kids." This would take the pressure of the break up off of my father and on to me a 9-11 year old child. SO the problem? My father. But the real problem is women fall for this shit all the time. True to this day I have very few to no female friends. And recently one of my dad's exes who I had a really close relationship with 18 years ago, I use to sleep over at her home etc. Came to me starting an argument via facebook, because yes, she was still mad. And she had every right to be. However, I apologized about what I said when I was 11, what I said, I cannot take that back; what happened, happened, but I was a minor and I was being brainwashed by my father. She accepted my apology and we can go on with our lives with a peace in us. However, She honestly harbored this anger for me for 18 years and was unable to see my father for what he really was and manipulative asshole. Further I can go to say his final girlfriend, who is now my step mother the first time we met she yelled at me, I was 15 and she told me that she was running things for now on and "I was just a little bitch who was the leftovers from my father's last relationship." Because my father did the same trick on her. He eventually married her and we still fight to this day, to the point I avoid going over there. But when he did he was still dating someone else.. guess who had to let her down easy? ME.

Problem with Feminism is women going after other women because of a man. We do not need petty competition. We need to stop fighting over silly things. Why do women fight over lipstick? Because they think it'll attract the right person? Why do we fight, when we need to unite? IF these women who are now in there 30's- 50's realized my dad was the true villain I think we all would have had happier lives. 
 
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Where do we go from here?  
03:21pm 29/05/2014
 
 
vanatina
So, trying to socialize Alex has been hard, since we just moved him here, I have no friends with kids and he doesn't go to daycare. At least he has his sister to play. He has made one friend at school Chris which, they seem to be two peas in a pod. I do not like to effect my child's relationships with others unless he is in danger. Chris and Alex have hit it off and after attending his birthday party Travis and I were able to spend time with his parents. They seemed really nice and normal. The father is warm and the mother... did I mention I never got along with women, ever? I made small talk but she seemed more interested in talking with her friends she invited, so I left her alone. Also, recently Travis discussed with the father about play dates, which they were really excited about. I also discussed that with the father and we discussed when we had free time to set it up. The father is currently attending college to gain a new career so he can be a better provider for his family, the mother works a lot so we don't see her to much when we drop off the kids at school. So recently, things have gotten cold. Not unfriendly but the conversations became minimal. One afternoon, dropping Alex off, the kids were saying their typically good afternoons. I greeted the father, but he gave a hesitant look back to the car where the mother waited and gave me a curt hello and continued hurriedly on his way. This last two weeks I have greeted them and the same response, except the grandparents that drop Chris off, they are still friendly. Did I intimidate the mother? My gut tells me this is similar to the bible study incident back when I was 19. My confidence and friendliness bugs people especially women because they feel I'm flirting. This bugs me. I just wanted a stable friendship for my son. Do I need to uglify myself? I shouldn't have to change myself so society can deal with me. Here I am world. I'm not backing down. We'll see how this plays out. I mean I'm not even wearing my nice clothes. I just wear my sweats like I'm going to the gym. :/ Jeez people, get control of your relationships. I shouldn't be the target of your insecurity. 
mood: frustratedfrustrated
 
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Highlights of the Weekend.  
08:24am 28/05/2014
 
 
vanatina
Let me say first, I had a chance to see Fawn, best highlight of the weekend. Even though it was a few hours I really enjoyed it. She dropped a bomb that I felt my fiance kind of disrupted, but we got a free lunch out of it so I can't complain. Need to catch up on new news later. :( Hate waiting. Also we had a werewolf game here, I'm alpha for now, next game isn't for 2 weeks. House got clean which was a blessing and gave me a chance to visit. Moreover, after 2 years I had a chance for my father to meet my children. :/ My dad was behaved. My step mother, was polite to my children but will not be called Grandma which confused the heck out of Alex. Hurt his little feelings that she wants to be called Miss Cris. Which she wants to be called to spite me. I'm kind of over her whole attitude and lack of forgiveness. Apparently, she is holding my behavior at her wedding over my head for more than 10 years, because I asked if they were having kids right away and it's on tape. My sister is 20 years younger than me and my youngest brother is 21 years younger than me. They really didn't hesitate, so I don't understand why she's mad.

Moving on, I don't know if I'll go over again. My kids really enjoyed it but they are so hard set of gender roles and labeling things. My brother Joe is almost 8 years old and Alex and him are the same height. Joe is much stronger and he was rough housing with my child. And my dad uses "They are boys." WHICH DOESN'T FLY WITH ME!!  If it was socially acceptable for girls to act like that would would be like oh they are just girls slapping each other around? Violence is violence and it starts at that age. Not to mention my father let's them watch PG13 or rated R movies? They were quoting them and acting them out. Scares me. a 9 and 8 year old shouldn't know Bane blows up half of Gotham and kills people and their is a game movie where children kill each other for sport.

Only way society is going to change is if we make a change in our children now.

I mean think about it, when I was in school they would talk about gender and homosexuality and if we didn't have that sort of education in public school, I don't think homosexuals would have the rights they have today.

More, venting later today I Have a certain cosplayer I need to talk about.
mood: uncomfortableuncomfortable
 
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